Considering Five

I can feel the brilliant sun's warmth on my back. The sky is unblemished; colors of the trees are marvelous. The fall air is crisp and clean; invigorating the senses.

The milestone is clearly in sight. It's been five full years since I started on this particular path. At the onset, the work was exhausting, costly, and time consuming. Not unlike the economy, there have been some dramatic ups and down; moments of breakneck speed, unending misery.

I reflect on the passage. Over time, plenty has changed.

I have changed.

Everyday, I overhear bits of familiar conversations; recognizable voices sound out with enthusiasm, trepidation. Surely our paths have crossed before.... some may have even traveled with me over the years. The journey itself is different for each of us. The eventual starting point, however, is familiar to me.

I was there.

I smile to myself now as memories tug at my mind; how outwardly confident I was just a few years ago. I knew I could get the work done. It didn't matter that I didn't know how.

I wanted it; that should have been enough. Inwardly, though, I questioned myself.

What was I getting myself in to? Was it too soon?

I asked questions. I got dirty. I hurt myself. I got stitched, bandaged, and sent back. At the end of the day, I was ultimately proud of my accomplishments. The cycle repeated for months. In time, it came together.

It was tough. Change is always tough.

It's totally different now. Certainly it's recognizable on the outside. Pedestrians wouldn't notice too many outward changes. To those on the inside... well, you have to look close to find something untouched by time, taste, or experience. I'm proud of the end result.

As much as it changed, I can't help but to think I changed more.

Different? Yes. But even then it still remains one of the few constants on my journey so far. Immobile. Comfortable. Predictable.

Similarly, my own outward appearance has not changed much over the last 5 years. Passersby might not notice those differences either.

Inwardly, the changes have been gratuitous. There have been some dramatic highs and lows there, too. I've asked lots of questions, sometimes stumbled when the answers weren't what I wanted to hear. I've slipped and hurt myself. I've been hurt. I've gotten stitches and bandages. And I've patched up my heart. I kept going back. Sometimes foolishly.

Change is tough. I like to think it was all worth it; I'm stronger now.

But worth it or not, in the end, I'm pretty proud of what I've become, too.