The Apology

The phone call was unpleasant and unwelcome. Shortly thereafter, the IM came as a bit of a surprise. When the text message came, I must admit I was feeling a bit out of sorts.

A line to apologize?

I was vindicated. For months I agonized. I knew I didn't do anything wrong. Yet still, I tortured myself; wondered just what I could have done that was so horrible.

I certainly had my theories... A third party perhaps? Jealousy at work? Worse?

However, it was not just one apology, but three. All from people that I once considered to be among my closest of friends.

Each situation was unique; each just as painful. Each apology left me both astonished and unsure as to how to proceed. Or if I even wanted to...

The phone call was prompted from an unpleasant text I received earlier in the day. I was in my office. I was expecting maybe an invitation to dinner for later that evening; sushi perhaps? We had only discussed it the night before.

I'm disappointed in you. U R loyal only when it's convenient for you. My body grew cold as I re-read the message. There was no warning, no preamble, just a series of groundless accusations.

A brief exhange of texts did nothing but leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a nauseated feeling in my gut. My hands started to shake as rage spread through out my body. I was accused, tried, and hung... through a text message. Heinous. I didn't even do it.

Lets talk this out later. The response a moment later was a short "ok".

When the hour came, instead of the calm talk I planned, the revoltion in my voice was palpable.

What the fuck? I started...

The conversation lasted for almost 30 minutes. In the end, the apology came. Of course I didn't do it... I never even thought about it. He said the matter was settled and he was happy we talked it out. While I quickly agreed, I considered the emotional hole left in my heart.

The IM later that night was even more surprising. Our association started several months prior as a promising friendship. Yes, it maybe went a bit too far. But I didn't see anyone complaining. It was fun. I knew what I was getting into, I was comfortable. He assured me that it was fine. The correspondence continued long after he left and our friendship developed.

Then it all stopped. We can't talk any more.

And that was it. No real explanation. All communication ended; the numbers changed, mail was returned undeliverable. Eventually, I gave up. Months later, he was forgotten.

The IM came in just as I was getting ready for bed.

I was hoping I'd see you here. I've been looking for you. I wanted to apologize. It was a shitty thing to do. Indignant memories flickered as I painstakingly considered my response. Ignore it? Reply? Evenually, I sent a message back. He was in town; it was his last night. He wanted to explain.

Want to grab a beer so we can talk? I agreed to the drink. Why? I don't know. I met him at a local pub an hour later. I was skeptical. The curiousity was killing me.

A bottle of wine sat in between us; his words were deliberate. Even thought I didn't like the explanation, in the end it made sense. He apologized a dozen times. It seemed genuine. I have been fooled before. Glad to have resolution, I was still unclear as to the overall motivation.

The bolt from the blue, however, came the following night. The text message. It was a number I didn't recognize. I deleted it out of my phone a year previously. I reluctantly forgot about its owner. I was certain that I'd never hear from him again.

I wanted to say sorry for the way I treated you.

One of the most distant and painful memories brought back the surface... A friend stuck in between two former lovers. The fight was resentful. The end was bitter. I didn't intend for him to be there. I tried to respect his position in the middle. I thought I was doing a decent job. Apparently I wasn't. Although, I never thought anything I did was the real reason why he moved out of the middle.

Several messages back and forth revealed that he'd kept up with my life. Several more messages and we were chatting like old friends at a high school reunion.

Cautiously, I proceed. He never did reveal why he choose a side or what prompted the sudden apology. He danced over the issue and moved forward.

Does it really matter?

Maybe. There are many reasons to apologize. Sincerity. To bury the hatchet. To acknowledge one's mistakes.

To relieve guilt.

I am left to wonder about the movation and the timing. Why now? Coincidence? New knowledge?

Long ago, I patched over the holes in my soul; forced myself to stop replaying the final moments looking for the fatal mistake. I sealed the memories away. Each of the conversations brought the incidents back to the surface. The apologies left me feeling exonerated.

I have forgiven each of them. Maybe in time, I'll even forget...